How to get far in Hyrule without really trying
by Mark 'Manix' Odell
Summary: Link's down on his luck. However, with the arrival of Malon comes a new chance at life. This story charts that life! Please R&R!
1. Default Chapter

Authors Note: Okay, I'm going to point out a few things here. This is my first Zelda fic, and felt it would make a nice contrast to the other (great!) Zelda pieces of fanfiction. I love Link/Zelda pairings, but thought it would be fun if Link was kind of forgotten post-Ocarina and ends up.well, I won't reveal too much! Plus, Malon's kind of sweet ^_^ Oh, and if anyone's shocked by Link in this chapter, don't worry, he won't stay like this for long. Remember, it is fiction, right?  
  
Link was drunk. He couldn't quite work out how long he'd been drunk, but in his alcohol muffled brain, he was pretty sure he'd been drunk for some time. At least, judging by the concerned expression on the face of the barman, this was probably the case.  
To think, he thought, muttering under his breath, the hero of time is reduced to this. From his perspective on a bar stool in the Impa Inn, he should have been the king of Hyrule by now. However, it seemed that being a hero was something of a temporary occupation these days. Back then, he remembered, it had been good. He was only twenty-three now, but the days when he was a tender seventeen had been far better. The ceremony to celebrate his victory over Ganondorf still stayed fresh in his mind, a gold-tinted example of a past that was his golden age.  
"We celebrate the hero of time and his achievements over the forces of darkness; for he is a true hero!" he'd heard the Princess announce, to the thunderous applause of an appreciative and loving audience. In his naïvete, he believed that it would only get better. At the time, he'd have believed that Zelda would want to marry him. This was apparently quickly ruled out once the King subtly reminded him that he lacked several things to be eligible for that; money, land and the lack of a title that smacked of inbreeding. The royalties had been short lived. The plaque to celebrate his victory had been moved from the main courtyard into the official lavatory of the royal family, meaning that the only time the royal family was likely to remember him these days was when the wine flowed strongly and it seemed too far to be sick outside. Or when they were relieving themselves, not something Link liked to think about particularly.  
The question he was asking himself, a question he'd been asking for about three or four years in fact, was why he was here. People were lucky enough to remember who he was, even though the apocalypse had been narrowly averted only six years previously, but like most national disasters, it was of interest for a year or so and then was promptly resigned to the odd sock drawer of historical events. As far as Zelda was concerned of course, he barely existed. Link had taken to drifting between jobs, at first starting as a palace courtier, then as the man who cleaned the temple of time, even as a market sellers assistant. Link eventually found a niche in an incredibly dull ten to three am job in the nightwatch, which earned him so little money that even rats didn't stoop so low as to rip him off. His living expenses were balanced by a seven-hour day job between nine and four pm. A combination of almost eternal exhaustion and a terminal addiction to drinking establishments inflicted by a punishing twelve-hour working day was what had left him unhappy and bored in Kakariko Town, often in the Impa Inn. It was a three-minute stagger to the cottage given him by the royal family as a reward for his 'contribution'.  
The cottage hadn't been there before of course. Most of what stood hadn't been there before. Immediately post-Ganondorf, the entire population felt that what was needed was a baby boom - an activity that had delayed the rebuilding of Hyrule City by some days at any rate - and all of a sudden settlements had popped up like tropical diseases all over the map. The existing settlements had expanded considerably; Kakariko village was no longer a village, its population having quadrupled almost overnight when the building work began.  
Even Kokiri village, the village of eternal children was a thriving civic centre. Saria had actually remembered his existence some months ago and had sent him an invitation to see the opening of the new Kokiri Public library. He had felt like pointing out to her the shortcomings of a library whose main users would be a bunch of kids, and how the librarians might find it difficult to cope in the ensuing miasma of paper darts. He had not however, and had decided to make the long trek down to the village. Things had changed, certainly. Saria, despite her child body, had the mind of a rabid twenty-something businesswoman and had even made Link wait outside her office in the freezing rain so that she could finish her meeting with the town planners.  
She may have been his childhood companion, he thought fuzzily as he stared at the bottom of his beer-glass, but even she'd moved on. Sage of the Forest temple she might be, but she wasn't sage about much else.  
"You might want to make that yer last one" the barkeeper said as gently as a man with almost everything in common with a grizzly bar apart from its better table manners could manage.  
Link looked blearily up at him.  
"S'not closing time" he muttered.  
"No, it technically ain't.but I think if ye have any more then I'll have to fold ye up and send you home by post"  
Link decided to launch into a well-earned rant just before he knew he would be shown 'kindly' to the door.  
"Prinzess Zelda, huh? Bloody princesss.she rules us all now, so she's a queen, t'chnically speakin'."  
"Is that a fact." The barkeeper said with little interest, cleaning a glass that wouldn't ever be clean but that at least had to have its yellowish sheen scraped off.  
"Oh, I was usef'l once." Link waved a hand idly in the air ".the hero of.thingy. Time. Now what? Not royalty they said..cuh." he grunted "And now, who knows a ssingle thing 'bout the once great Link? Hm? No-one, that's who."  
"Well, sometimes we have our big role, and then people just forget us. It's just time to get on with life, Link" the Bartender said, who'd heard Link say this countless times before.  
"I work my bloody heart out, night n' day" Link slurred, with greater fervour "Do I get a ssingle bit of recognition or at leasst some respec'? Nooo, everyone loves Zelda now. Never mind that I saved the lot of your miserable backsssides."  
The bartender looked at him with something not unlike pity. Link, while still physically fit and handsome was not quite as bright-eyed as he'd once been. The bartender couldn't help but feel sorry for Link, and a little guilty for not showing a little bit more respect; Link had saved them all once. As Link had often said in his alcohol-induced sobs, people often wanted a hero on a merely temporary basis. They were useful for a while, but then everyone forgot about them.  
"I think it's about time you went home and slept it off, Link" the bartender said, kindly "You'll feel better tomorrow."  
Link groped for his green cloak and hood, and after a few misses, managed to pick it up and even fasten it around his neck.  
"T'morrow's another day" Link mumbled, walking in a zig-zag path that took him into the doorjamb of the pub door. After a few curses that were probably banned in some areas of Hyrule, Link finally stumbled out into the chilly night. There was something slightly sobering about being smacked in the face with icy cold air, but something even more sobering about the extremely effective if disgusting vomiting session that Link felt the need to undertake in the bushes outside the pub door.  
'BLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEARRRGHHH.' He rested his cheek on the cold cobbles, only inches away from his supper. He wanted to sleep right here, but wasn't sure he wanted to risk it. After all, despite the peace across the land, the population was still 'human'. He stumbled to his feet, and made it across to the centrepiece town-square fountain that had once been the well of three parts. It was now quite ornate, a cherub supporting a vast amphora that it tipped into the pool of water, the constant trickle of water quite soothing to Link's ears. Also to his burning throat, as he washed his face and cooled the fire that his overactive gag reflex had stoked to bursting point.  
He blinked, and looked up at the scatter of diamonds in the night sky. Looking down, he saw a face that looked temporarily unfamiliar, but that he quickly registered as being his. When you couldn't even recognise your own reflection, things really were getting serious. He shook his still fuzzy head. It would be worth asking the bartender of the Impa Inn just how much alcohol was in his beer and how many small insects had been corroded like popcorn in sulphuric acid by so much as dipping a toe in. Then, Link readjusted his hood, and began to stagger home. As he did so, a song rose in his throat.  
"Stars, I rightly love you, I was once in love.with a bonny lass." His voice got louder, echoing in the empty streets as he sang.  
"My life I gave to you; you stole my heart.now do be true" His rich tenor voice, slightly unstable thanks to the influence of drink, was now filling the streets with song. However, his singing was not popular with the resident of the first floor apartment of number twelve, Dampe road. The kettle dropped and Link did also, shortly after. In his daze, stars fluttered by his vision before they reassembled themselves in the sky above. He smirked.  
"Git" he grunted, before crawling very slowly towards the door of his own cottage. The next morning would be interesting to Link, if only because of the nature of the visitor who would find Link propped up in bed, unshaven and looking more like Ganondorf than Link. The visitor would be a young woman. Link didn't know, but Malon had come to town. And she would change his life in so many ways Link couldn't even contemplate it right now. Well, he couldn't. He was being sick again.  
  
Link was beginning to wish that some enterprising businessman had never invented liquor in any shape or form. The six hundred-gun salute being played inside his brain was also inciting a wish in him that he'd never been born. Groaning slightly, he pulled his crumpled body up a bit further on his bed. Sunlight streamed in through the windows, illuminating his hungover frame. Right now he needed sunlight like he needed to be told Zelda was outside waiting to beat him to death with a joint of ham. 


	2. How to get rich and make the world envio...

Link was beginning to wish that some enterprising businessman had never invented liquor in any shape or form. The six hundred-gun salute being played inside his brain was also inciting a wish in him that he'd never been born. Groaning slightly, he pulled his crumpled body up a bit further on his bed. Sunlight streamed in through the windows, illuminating his hungover frame. Right now he needed sunlight like he needed to be told Zelda was outside waiting to beat him to death with a joint of ham.  
He grunted like a pig with bronchitis, and then he sat up. The sun was an annoying addition to an already mucky head. It was going to be one of those days, he reflected gloomily. At least he didn't have to go to work for a good couple of hours. Link gave the saliva in his mouth an experimental taste, cringed and then spat onto the floor. Boy, but did he feel rough.  
"A bad night?" a kindly voice said.  
Link leapt into a sitting up position so quickly his eyes and mouth took a few seconds to catch up. He gazed at the figure at the end of his bed, then he blinked. The beautiful young woman had auburn hair and a quite blisteringly good figure. At first he hoped he'd gotten lucky, but since she wasn't scowling at him and making for the door with a bundle of clothes, he doubted this was true.  
He did know who she was, and soon the memory came to his furry tongue.  
"M...Malon?"  
She giggled cutely, and sat on the end of the bed.  
"The one and the only." Malon looked him over critically, as if he was a prime steak hanging up in the butcher's shop.  
"Boy oh boy" she said, shaking her head "You do look bloody awful"  
"Hey" Link said, slightly annoyed "It's a s good as you get when you've had ten pints of Impa's Really Peculiar the night before."  
"Ten?" Malon raised an immaculately pedicured eyebrow "Things have been bad for you, haven't they?"  
"Um..." Link saw no point in lying, it was pretty damned clear that he hated his job, life and past.  
"Yep." He replied, in a combination of sheepishness and sadness "They have. I saved the world once, and now I'm working on the arse end of Hyrule with a bunch of city-guards who only just classify as being in different species. So, yes. Definitely. Things couldn't be worse."  
"Well..." Malon looked at him with a strange smile "...I could help you change all that."  
Link sat up straight, his attention piqued. If anybody was offering him a ticket out of there, he'd be the first to grab it.  
"I'm interested" he said, "What's the deal?"  
"First" Malon said, raising a pretty eyebrow and patting him on the shoulder "Let's get you looking less like death and more like Link, the hero of time."  
  
One shower, a change of clothes, an adult magazine ('Playzoran') and a rudimentary breakfast later and Link was seated in his sitting room opposite Malon, who was looking pleased with herself. Link's sitting room was a medium sized lounge in the luxury Deku range, with his dining tables, coffee table and dresser made exclusively out of Deku wood. Technically, sacred magicks and an ancient law that bound the Kokiris to guard these mighty growths protected the Deku Trees of the Kokiri forest. However, it could hardly be said that the Kokiri's actually believed in or obeyed these ancient laws and consequently found more use in the ancient trees regarding how pleasantly the trees looked when converted into a panelled luxury dresser with eight-drawers and treasure box as standard. The Great Deku tree had his doubts, but a few bags of fertiliser and a friendly axe threat generally convinced the Great Deku tree that it probably wasn't that much of a problem after all. The vast windows of his lounge looked out into the vast urban sprawl of Kakariko, and beyond that the misty green landscape of Hyrule, lit by a benign morning sun. A few vases, a few bunches of flowers, a beer keg, plump sofas...it was pretty standard, since Link possessed few real possessions at all. However, he wasn't looking at his modern Hyrule- deco surroundings but at the intently smiling Malon. Link had several scenarios running through his head as to why she was looking like this, and decided there were two plausible ones.  
  
The Humiliation  
  
"Malon, why did you come here?" Link asked. "To tell you that I am rich, and getting married next month....you are a reject from hell, and I spit on you spawn of the devil incarnate!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
The Sexual Demand  
  
"Malon, why did you come here?" Link asked. "Well..." Malon said seductively, tweaking her shirt aside in the middle to reveal her beautiful, shapely cleavage "...to ride you like Epona, you hot studmuffin."  
  
"Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh" Malon was looking curiously at Link, who appeared to be dribbling out of a corner of his mouth and making a strange laugh whose sound could only be compared to an air-conditioning fan in distress. "Um...Link?" Malon asked, quietly, poking Link's shoulder. He snapped out of his reverie somewhat to his reluctance and looked her in the eyes. "Malon, why did you-?" he began, but then found himself saying "Nooo, wait a sec, if I say this, you're going to call me the spawn of the devil and reveal that you're getting married, well Malon, I'm not buying it!"  
Malon was looking at Link with pity in her pretty eyes.  
"Oh dear, all this time alone...I feel so sorry for you" she said, sympathetically.  
Link looked at her.  
"You mean you're not getting married?" he asked, hopefully.  
She chuckled.  
"I haven't even got a boyfriend. So don't worry about that. Although I'm afraid I wasn't here with the purpose of propositioning you."  
"Oh." Link disappointedly scratched off the possibility of the second scenario from his mind, and then returned to the conversation with a more open mind. "So...why are you here?"  
Malon adjusted her skirt and then smiled at Link.  
"Well, really..." she said, "...it's because I need a partner."  
"I thought you said you weren't here to-"  
"Link."  
"Sorry. Carry on." She leaned back slightly. "The thing is, business is improving you see. Since dad retired, I've been in charge and Lon Lon Ranch milk is in demand, as are their horses. People are buying, but I haven't got the facility to market them."  
Link sat up, now listening earnestly.  
"You want a business partner?" he asked.  
She nodded, glad he had got the point so quickly.  
"You got it. You have the cunning, the image and the personality to help me. Together, we could create something. A business empire, Link."  
Link sat, staring into the distance as he meditated on the possibilities.  
"Think about it." She said, gently "Think about what we could achieve together. Would you rather spend the rest of your natural life here?"  
That was all the convincing Link needed; if helping Malon meant leaving Kakariko far behind, then Link would have become her slave. Well, he would probably have agreed to do that under any other circumstance, but the point is that he would have done it in this particular scenario too and in this specific situation. That makes sense. Yes. Ahem.  
Also if he could find a way to get up Queen/Princess/Whatever she was now Zelda's nose, then as a nasal blocker this was a pretty good option. Link turned back to Malon, a sense of finality in his voice.  
"I'll do it." he said, with a smirk "What's the catch? Profit division and so forth?"  
"Fifty-fifty; we do half the work each, we get half of what we earn." Malon replied, learning forwards with a similar smirk on her face. Two like minds were about to have devastating consequences on the world.  
"So is it just farming? Milk, cattle?"  
"Actually, I was thinking expanding into publishing and turning Lon Lon Ranch into a luxury hotel...call it money grubbing-"  
"-it is, but I frankly couldn't give a damn" Link cut in "Carry on Malon."  
"Actually, I hadn't decided yet but...I suppose I was hoping you'd give me ideas."  
Link smiled, sitting up.  
"That I can." He said.  
  
They left for Lon Lon Ranch within the day. What Link decided was worth keeping he took with him, and finding a buyer for his house that he frankly didn't care for anymore. He'd managed to sucker an idiot into paying approximately twice its value and had even managed to persuade him up to three times. Actually, credit where credit is due, Malon was the one who had achieved this little success. Sweet-talking, a sharp business brain and a good bosom can achieve a lot in a business deal.  
Link had also handed in his notice to the city guards, telling them in no uncertain terms that they had the appeal of a used toilet tissue to him and he no longer intended to work for a group of men to whom crime prevention defined as standing at the end of the road and hoping the thief wouldn't go around them. His redundancy pay had been surprisingly easy to get hold of; he'd only had to duel six or seven guards before the commander finally coughed up. He'd pocketed that extra money, and he and Malon had triumphantly left the village on her cart. The extra cash would be handy, he decided, because if things were as good as Malon said, a bit of investment here and there would do the pair quite a lot of good. Link was feeling more cheerful than he had in a long time; looking sideways at the beautiful young woman Malon had become, Link's slightly lecherous side felt that things were also better for him. Malon herself was feeling fairly light-hearted too; she now had Link, a man whom she had always admired and respected for who he was, but also had a certain wild side that made her just want to tear his tunic off and cover him in oil. Malon began to wonder if that was a healthy fantasy. It was certainly healthier than the one Link was currently having.  
"He's making that funny laugh again" she thought, worried that maybe Link had unresolved issues as they rode off into the sunset. A sunset that was the beginning of a bright new dawn for the pair. Well, you know what I mean.  
  
Three years later  
  
Malon, joint president of Lon-Lon Incorporated, jumped out of the carriage and handed over an obscenely generous fare to the driver who appeared to have achieved nirvana. She smiled in the clear night. The stars glittered down from above onto the Lon Lon Ranch and five-star luxury hotel for only the richest of the rich Hyrulian businessmen who travelled through these parts. Anybody who was anybody stayed there; it wasn't the done thing to not stay at the premiere Hyrulian hotel and the hotel of the legendary business partnership of Malon and Link. Link, she thought, was probably cavorting with one of his hussies again. She wasn't sure why she was glowering with jealous rage at the thought however, which was disconcerting – but his occasional dalliances did annoy her. It was bona fide material for the press to suck up like a vacuum cleaner on an ant's nest. Oh, it wasn't bad publicity as such, but Malon disliked Link's media reputation as something of a 'Ladykiller', something she knew he wasn't. Well, not as much as they made him out to be. Okay, so he was a bit of a charmer, she thought. Link liked his women, but the fact he could never settle on one said a lot to Malon. He was waiting for the right girl.  
This was what Malon was hoping, but to her annoyance some malicious voice just snidely commented that Link was a horny, rampant, typical man. Well yes, she thought, but much to her embarrassment...she thought of him as her horny, rampant, typical man. He was a man and she was a woman. And men and women got together. Men and women got together and shared beds....  
Malon flushed the colour of garnet as she realised a gaggle of Hyrulian paparazzi were descending on her. Not the thoughts to think as the gossip journalists and artists of the Hyrule media whom she termed 'the goddess- forsaken scum of the world to whom a wet t-shirt was frontline news and who all deserved to be tortured in agony in the keep of Hyrule castle'. My, what an outburst.  
Link would have to come later. For now, she had to negotiate this swarm of parasites. The three years had done a lot for Link and Malon. A pair but never a couple, Link and Malon had become media darlings within a year of company start-up. As Malon had predicted, business had boomed. Link, the other cunning business brain, had invested his money wisely; soon, they had money to expand Lon Lon ranch into a proper resort. Also, the creation of a methodical process of milking the cows (although this was never done in a factory shed, as that was what made Lon Lon milk so special and high in demand) by the large numbers of hired hands on the farm had allowed them to expand into other areas. Link had successfully founded a chain of restaurants, which he had affectionately named Thank Malon It's Fridays. It was an outrageous display of affection, one which Malon had blushed to the ends of the earth about. He could have used Zelda or one of the Triforce goddesses, but Link felt he owed Malon a little bit more. It was quite clear to all that the pair shared a bond. Malon had had a few boyfriends, but none of them quite understood what it was she and Link had exactly. It wasn't romance. No, it certainly wasn't romance, she told herself. But then again she did get jealous of the women who felt inclined to give Link 'a go'. Malon knew that a number of the high-born women of the court considered him a good 'match', although at the seat of this was the underlining horror of the thought that Zelda herself might try to take Link away from her.  
Away from her? Malon was trying not to think about this as she pushed her way past photographers and fans, who waved placards saying 'HYRULE LOVES MALON' and 'MARRY ME MALON!'. Malon smiled at the declarations; she would have been lying if she'd denied that she enjoyed at least a little attention.  
She made her way through the main gates without saying anything that a gossip magazine might translate as being revealing of her inner turmoil, her romantic relationships or representative of the concept that she was having numerous affairs which she wasn't having with a number of men she'd never met in places she'd never been.  
  
Hyrule Life Magazine  
  
'Sod off - Can't you see I'm dying inside?' MALON EXCLUSIVE!!!  
  
She just knew there would be three exclamation marks too, she thought, as she closed the gates behind the press and drew the bolt. Finally she could rest. The basic layout of the Lon Lon ranch had not changed. It was bigger and more furnished with stone however, and there was a new central hall with a centrepiece fountain and statue of the great fairy that Malon had to admit she was rather fond of. All two hundred rooms glowed with yellow light, glittering out onto the sparkling swimming pool across which diving boards cast odd shadows. The café was also doing brisk business so it seemed, the sound of laughter and the clink of glasses spilling from the stone porch as she walked past the pool and towards the house that she and Link shared. It was well sized, far bigger than the building Link had once used as a home in Kakariko. Pale white stone juxtaposed with red tile and a vast growth of plant life that coiled up its walls, but with a number of protected Deku trees around its base. Despite being rather rich, Link and Malon never forgot their roots. It was always important to remember where you came from, she thought, even if you are incredibly successful.  
She slipped a key into the sturdy wooden door's lock. It was time to visit Link. 


End file.
